


Our Peace in Pieces

by uswnt_talex_krashlyn



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-08-08 14:58:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7762354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uswnt_talex_krashlyn/pseuds/uswnt_talex_krashlyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes a big mistake from Christen for Alex to realize she's made one of her own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The shift

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this chapters kinda short. This story is actually really angsty and sad. So. Just heads up

God you always hated fighting. 

It made you remember hiding with your siblings in your closet from your parents. They always used to yell. 

So now your sitting here, on your hotel bed you try and recal how you got to this point. 

 

Christen missed her penalty kick. 

You have to keep reminding yourself or else it might seem like a dream. 

You told Christen that she could do it. And your guessing that right around now Christen is choosin to blame you. 

"Are you even listening to me"

"Tobin..."

"TOBIN. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME"

Your head snaps up and christen's eyes look unfamiliar. They're cold. And the inviting green is much darker now. 

"Christen it's not your fault we lost. Please listen to me... That game never should have gone to pk's. 

You keep your voice level. Not yelling but not whispering. Either at this point would have been fatal in your opinion. But Christen seems to think the opposite. You've never seen this side of her before. 

Her eyes bore into you like they're searching for a reason not to kill you. 

"Stop fucking lieing Tobin!! You were wrong!"

" Chris... Please I've done this before. I've missed the pk. It wasn't your fault."

You walk closer to her and reach for her hand. Praying that you're words calmed her. Your prayers would go unanswered. 

 

She wrenches her arm away from you before swinging it full force to your left cheek. 

This moment. It reminds you of when you were little too. When your dad would come home, alcohol on his breath and take as many jabs to your gut as his drunken body would allow. 

But maybe even more painfully this moment reminds you of last year. When shirley would come home and convict you of cheating. And when you refused to yell back she would just punch and slap. Leaving you with unexplainable bruises and cuts on your face and arms. 

 

So you stand there for a moment. The feeling of someone's angry hands against you bringing back so many memories you feel like folding in on yourself. 

No tears fall from your face.

Instead you take a step back. You need to run. Every part of you is screaming at you to leave. To get away from her. 

"Tobin... Oh my god"

Something in Christen has shifted. Her eyes are wide with realization of what just happened. Her right hand still held out in front of her. She looks down at it, then up at your bright red cheek with a single streak that broke the skin. 

"I-I didn't. I would never...."

Her hands cover her mouth. Eyes wide with tears and horror. 

You walk backwards until your back hits the door. Then you finally take your eyes off of her and scramble at the door handle. 

Your not really sure where your going. Because Christen was your safety. But now everything has shifted. You end up just quickly walking. Head down at your shoes. Willing your eyes not to meet anyone's in the almost empty hallway. 

 

But then you round a corner and then Alex is standing there. You bump into her. And as if everything had just turned in slow motion you register her facial expressions. 

Her eyes meet yours and the annoyance fades to a smile. The smile fades to sorrowful expression likely because of the loss. Then her eyes finally lands on your left Cheek. You watch as her blue eyes turn almost black and her jaw clenches. Her face turns red. 

"She fucking didn't."

Alex starts walking past you which you Can only assume is a direct path to Christen. 

You speed walk down the hallway and stop her a few feet from yours and christen's door. Finally you step in front of her just outside in the hallway. Just in time. 

"Alex... Please don't. I'm okay really. Just... Stay with me?"

Alex's face softens noticeable. Her eyes leave your small cut and reach your eyes. Those blue eyes you used to know so well. 

Her hand reaches up to your cheek. You don't flinch. Which honestly you surprised yourself with a little. But your suddenly embarrassed. 

You look down at your shoes again but her eyes continue to look at yours even when you can't give her that courtesy. Her hand gently grazed the cut. Redness faded mostly. 

Her left hand raises to pull your chin up to look in her eyes. 

They're filled with sadness. And you know this look. She gave it to you when you would come to her house bleeding. And when she would ask you about the bruises on your arm after a night with Shirley. 

But there's something else in her eyes. And if you didn't know better you would call in regret. 

But before you can really grasp it she looks away. And as if on cue the door to your hotel opens and christen appears. 

Alex spins around. And while you can't see her face you know she's glaring at Christen. Christen's eyes pop open and then she tries to look past Alex and at you. But Alex steps to the side and blocks you. And you would've been mad if it was anyone else. 

 

You can see Christen trying to think of words that could make this better. You know better. There are none right now. Not with Alex here. 

Alex's back is tense. And her hands tighten into fists. 

"Tobin I-I'm so sorry I can't belie–"

You decide to cut her off before Alex blows up. 

"Chris.. Please go back in the room."

Alex becomes more angry. She steps foreward so you grab her wrist but she twists it away. So you grab her hips on both sides and whisper in her ear- 

"Lex please..."

Your words freeze her. And you know exactly why. Because these select words are the ones you said to her before she left. Before she chose him. 

Christen looks at you one last time but your still holding onto Alex so you don't meet her eyes. Then she closed the door behind her and enters back into the room. 

You slide your hands off of Alex's hips and clear your throat. You've just created a very awkward situation. Then Alex spins around. 

She has the mask on again. It guards her eyes from you. It's the mask she shows the media. The one you've grown to hate. The one that chose him. 

But she gives you a sad smile, effectively snapping you out of your gaze. 

"Let's go get you cleaned up before dinner".


	2. Treat you better?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get more intense. The plot thickens. Trying to keep this a little original

Alex leads you down the hall in dead silence. 

You've learned to appreciate the silence. It gives you perspective. But this was not that kind of silence. 

As you round the corner to her room she grabs her room key out of her pocket and opens the door. 

"Mal out"

Mal merely looks up from her phone and walks out. She was taking the loss pretty hard. Pretending like she didn't really care. 

"Hop up on the counter I'm gonna grab some stuff."

You walk in the bathroom and hoist yourself up onto the counter. But you spin so that you an face the mirror for a minute. 

You get your first look at your face. It's really not that bad. The way Alex reacted you thought you might have blood dripping from your face. But now all the initial sting and redness are gone. All that's left is a small line of slightly puffy red skin. Probably scraped from christen's ring. 

Just then you Whip your head back around and Alex is standing in front of you. 

"Here I found a disinfectant wipe."

She steps closer to you. Inbetween your dangling legs. She gently brings the wipe up to your cheek. And yes, you know this is an extraneous measure but this is Alex trying to help. PLUS she's done this before. 

Her left hand holds your right jawline still as she gently swipes at the small cut. There's a small nagging pain but it's barely noticeable. 

And it's becoming less and less noticeable the more Alex's hips push Inbetween your thighs. 

This thought sends shivers down your arms and a blush creeps on your face. She obviously notices and quickly deciphers what your thinking without you saying a word. You are starting to hate that she can do that. 

A blush appears on her face and she takes a small step back. 

"Sorry."

You send her a weak smile. You can't bring yourself to give her a 'that's okay'. Mostly because it took you so long to forget about the way she feels between your legs. Your still not sure if you have forgotten. 

She finished with your face and looks at you. For the first time she's actually looking AT you and trying to figure out if your okay. 

'God her eyes are beautiful' you think. 

You have to stop that. This is why you and Alex hadn't really talked lately. She chose him. You chose Christen. It was all working out just really not together. 

 

And things with christen were actually going smoothly. Your still in shock she hit you. It's so out of charector for her. She was different than Shirley. She wouldn't hurt you on purpose. 

"Are you ready?" 

Alex drags you out of your thoughts and her eyes. She seems nervous. Or maybe just sad. But again there's this hint of regret. And you really cant place it. 

 

 

Alex walks you down to dinner. Christen's not there and the whole team is starting to file in. Alex calls people over to sit, resembling a drill instructor, making sure no one can sit at the table. And by no one Alex means Christen. 

 

So when Christen comes downstairs she looks about half as composed as normal. She's still beautiful but her serenity is gone. Like she has been shook by something. Her eyes hollow. They wonder over to yours as she looks for a seat, then Alex does something dangerous. 

She puts her hand on your thigh. And if it was a normal friendship it would mean nothing. But it's you and Alex. And the last time Alex squeezed your thigh under the table you each left dinner early and didn't leave your room until breakfast the next Morning. 

Your eyes are wide as they turn to Alex. You attempt to hide your shock because pinoe has a tendency to be over observant. 

Her eyes remain calm. But there's a seriousness to them. 

"Don't"

It's more of a command than a suggestion so you look back down at your plate and pretend to follow the conversation. This is what Alex does. She protects. But she thinks Christen is the same as Shirley. And there's just no way. 

 

Christen sits with a small group at a table on he opposite side of the room. 

Then Jill comes in. And everyone is silent. This kind of talk hasn't happened in a long time. The veterans know what's coming. But even some of them don't. Because THIS has never happened. We never lost in the quarterfinals. 

Jill's speach is short. There are no tears. There is no blame. There is what your guessing is supposed to be motivation. But it's too soon. And as Jill starts listing off the things the team should have done differently, your eyes wonder. 

The green orbs stare back at you. And they're friendly and inviting. Nothing like the ones in the room after the game. She offers you a soft smile and after a while you return it. 

Your so lost in her you don't notice Jill has finished. And subsequently Alex looks over at what your staring at. 

Christen's eyes immediately turn to regret and you have to physically turn around to realize Alex is glaring at her again. 

You put your hand on her thigh. 

And your just reminded of what you used to have with her. She closes her eyes and puts her hand on top of yours. 

"Alex it wasn't her fault you need to relax"

Something in what you just said was NOT right. Because Alex stands abruptly and pushes her chair back. Your too stunned in that moment to move. And just as quickly Alex walks over to christen's table a cross the room and grabs her by the wrist. 

 

Alex walks Christen out of the room and into the hallway. Out of view of her staring teammates. 

Alex's voice starts out calm. But slowely rises as she continues. 

"You were supposed to be there for her."

Christen looks down at her shoes. Alex becomes more frustrated and pushes her against the wall. 

"You knew about her dad, and Shirley! She dousnt fucking need you slapping her around whenever you want"

Christen flinches at Alex's words. It hurts but she's right. 

Alex is becoming less angry and more sad. More pathetic. She starts to cry.

Christen knows why. Anyone with half a brain knows why Alex is crying right now. Exept Tobin that is. 

"And now what? She'll just crawl back to you. Because THAT'S ALL SHE KNOWS HOW TO DO. You weren't supposed to hurt her! "

Alex leans her body against the opposite side of the hallway. Her breathing labored. 

" you told me she would be happier with you..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will probably make a little more sense next chapter. Love the comments and thanks for the kudos.


	3. Too close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things slowly become more clear. Some memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally deleted this the first time I wrote it so don't be mad if it sounds rushed.

You can hear The yelling coming from outside the hallway.

No one else seems to notice it. But that's how you know that they already know. They're pretending not to hear it.

You're not really sure why Alex is reacting this way. There's the obvious connotation that christen hit you and she's trying to protect you. But even when you were with Shirley and Alex figured it out, she didn't try to fight her. She just took care of you. 

But things were different now. You know it. And obviously Alex does. Now Alex is married. Now she has to apologize when she touched you in the bathroom. Now she's yelling at Christen instead of being with you. 

And then you realize. It's because she can't. She can't be with you and it hurts like hell. 

Before you know what's happening your mind starts to wander. And memories that you shouldn't kick up seem to lift themselves. 

These memories bring you back to late night knocks on Alex's door. And blood dripping from the cut on your jaw. And Alex telling you to sit on the counter. And her hips pressing into you. 

And her lips gentle against yours. 

That was your first kiss. And it raises the hairs on your arms just enough to snap you out of your memories. 

You notice the yelling has stopped. And a quick glance at your phone tells you they've been gone for 30 minutes. You presume neither of them are coming back to dinner. 

So you quickly excuse yourself and make your way up to the team floor. 

You head toward yours and Christen's room. You're not exactly sure why. Alex was your safety. And you know you're not ready for whatever Christen has to say. But you do it anyway. Because Christen is yours. Even when she hits you. 

So As you reach the room you open the door slowley. You register the tv light and take a few more steps in. These steps reveal Christen. Sitting up in her bed. Eyes red and puffy. 

Her green eyes meet your hazel ones and you register the relief on her face. But why? You wonder if she's glad you came back. Or maybe she's just happy your not with Alex. 

Alex. Now that was a touchy subject. One that usually resulted in your least favorite pass time, fighting. 

Christen knew about all of your life. Maybe that's why the slap hurt so much. She knew about Shirley. And she knew about the time you spent seeing Alex, between Shirley and servando. Admittedly some of it overlapped. And often that's what the fight is about. 

Christen looks at you carefully. You realize the stare that has ensued and your eyes snap down to the ground. You feel ashamed. 

At first your not sure why. But then it becomes very clear. Your hands on Alex's hips. Your whispers in her ears. Your hand on her thigh, hers on yours. Her hand grazing your cheek. 

You feel like a cheater. And while Christen did hit you there's no excuse to cheat. No matter how minor yours and Alex's infractions. Because breathing the same air as Alex felt like cheating. 

Your eyes continue down at your feet. But Christen continues to take gentle steps toward you. You become hyper aware very fast. The hair on your neck stands and your hands start to sweat. But you will yourself not to run. 

"You know I love you right?"

Her words startle you. They're gentle. But this doesn't feel right. This doesn't feel like a first I love you moment. 

And your not really sure how to respond so you nod your head yes and continue your staring game with her shoes. 

She takes another step and you can't help but instinctually back up. Your back hits the door and you start to panic a little. You try to hide it but Christen knows you well. 

She stops mid step and her eyes look painful. 

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have touched you"

You say it quickly to try to sooth her. 

Her eye brows knit together in confusion. Then a realization takes over her face. 

'This is what Alex was talking about' Christen thinks. 

Then a sadness comes over her face. Like she lost something. But your still very confused. 

"No Tobin. It was my fault. I never should have touched you. You don't have to blame this on yourself."

Her green eyes are soft. And thank god because part of you wants to get as far away from her as possible. The other half wants to make her feel better. 

"Tobin.. I. I think we should take a break. "

 

To say her words broke you is a gross understatement. They shattered you. 

Confusion takes over your face. Then dread. Dread that your worst fears are true. 

She doesn't love you?

Then an even scarier one. 

No one ever will. 

Christen must see your panicked expression because she tries to reach her hand up and hold your face. But even knowing she's not going to hurt you, it would still hurt for her to touch you. 

You flinch. Not on purpose. But with purpose. Christen's eyes grow sad again. She retracts her hand and takes a step back. 

Only then do you stop staring into her eyes. You try to grab the door handle. 

"Chris... I'm staying with Alex tonight. I. I just need to feel safe. "

Your broken. And your almost positive you sound broken. And when you whispered that last part you think you broke her too. 

Your hand finds the door knob and you swing it open and walk quickly down the hallway. Head down. Headed straight for Alex's room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Hope u guys like it. The pieces are slowely coming Together. I hope it's making sense. Lmk what u think? Love all comments 
> 
>  
> 
> Next chapter will prob be from Alex's pov


	4. Pictures on the Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ALEX'S POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALEXS POV. seriously don't get confused. I wrote this from both Tobin's and Alex's and I liked Alex's more.

"Fuck!"

You yell as you throw your body down on your bed. Mal was still at dinner. Everyone was, exept Christen of course. 

You wipe the tears from your face. Alone for the fist time since the game things seem to hit you all at once. You missed your pk. You wish it stung more but it doesn't. Not right now. 

And you know why. It's because the overwhelming guilt and shame that you would normally be feeling was buried under something much heavier. 

Tobin Powell Heath. 

'I'm in love with Tobin' 

There. At least you can say it. Even if it's not out loud. 

And maybe it was the silence in the room or the screaming in your head, but you alow your mind to wander. And it wanders not too far back. To before the ring On your finger. To before you had even met him. 

It wandered back all the way to the late night knock on your door. To blood dripping from Tobin's jaw. To the blue and black appearing around Tobin's left eye. 

To her beautiful body basically collapsing into your arms. To sitting her up on your counter. To standing in between her legs and doing everything you can not to look into her eyes. You always knew they could break you, they always have. You allow your mind to picture your hand on her thigh. Looking down at Tobin's shirt with a few drops of blood staining it. 

You can remember moving your left hand up to her cheek and just staring at the cut. Willing it to go away. 

Thinking for the first time that you were in love with her and still not being able to say it out loud. Even when she could come to you broken and lost, you were still too afraid, too much of a coward to tell her the truth. And looking back now you know you've never forgiven yourself. For being this selfish. 

But being in love with Tobin Heath was never easy. Even when she was yours.   
You were never sure if the love you had for her was real. Or maybe it was just something you made up. Because there was never something specific about her that you loved, with him it was easy. With him there were things that you loved about him. But with Tobin you never loved specific things about her, you just loved her. And that made the way she chewed her lip adorable. Or the way she always put others first selfless. Or it made her dance moves amazing. Or it made her eyes sparkle even when they were brown blue and grey. And it made her compassion sincere or her smile the most amazing thing in the world. And now you know. 

You didn't love these things about her when you met her. 

But when you fell for her, they came crashing down on top of you. 

They suffocated you then, even when you couldn't label them. 

Your interrupted by your thoughts when someone knocks on the door. Thinking its mal you get up to open it. Then you know it's not mal. Because as you walk toward the door the hair on your neck stands. And all the air in the room is stolen. 

But you open it anyway. Despite how dangerous she is to you. To that ring on your finger. To the life you have built up. To the walls you have forged through a wedding and media coverage. Despite all of it you open the door. And you start to wonder why you keep doing this. Tempting fate. Daring it to lead her to you, broken and shattered again. 

But that's not what's on the other side of the door, not on the outside anyway. 

Tobin is there. You were right about that. But she's not broken or shattered. Of course she is. But she's not willing to show you that right now. In fact, she looks angry. 

You've seen this look before. But only once. And it was very hard to get her that way. Because she hates fighting. But you have seen it, once before when you told her you were going to be with him. NOT her. 

And she wasn't mad for he obvious reasons. She was mad because of the mask you were wearing. The wall you had built up. But your guessing that's not why she looks mad now. Because you've had the mask on for a while now. And seldom do you take it off. 

Tobin's eye contact with you is furious at this point. And you try extremely hard to maintain it. She steps forward without saying a word and you step aside. Letting her in. Letting her past the wall. 

She sits on your bed. Demanding your attention. 

"Did you tell her to leave me?"

She said it firmly. With force but never yelling. She hated yelling. 

Your confused at first. Then you quickly come to the conclusion that Christen had ended things. 

'Of course she would leave her'

You have to hide your anger now. You have to hide the sadness in your eyes. Tobin would interpret it in the wrong way. 

"No I didn't."

Tobin rolls her eyes and stands up. Toe to toe with you now. 

"Bull shit Alex. You know? Not everyone's perfect okay? People make mistakes. Christen LOVED me. She was different than Shirley."

Tobin finished with her jaw clenched and arms crossed. And if your being honest it was probably the love you had for her that made you entertain this conversation. 

"You don't hit the people you love."

You said it with such simplicity that Tobin flinches. And you know what she's doing now. She's making excuses for her. Because this is what Tobin does. She gives ALL of herself to someone. Even when they won't take her. 

"She doesn't love you Tobin because you don't hit the people you love"

Tobin is frowning now. Her eyes flicker between your's and the ground. Tears threatening her eyes. 

"Well someone has to..."

She whispers the last part. And it breaks you. 'I LOVE YOU'. But you can't say it outloud. You never could. 

 

At this point tears are streaming out of your eyes. Just inches from her face. But you don't dare touch her. She doesn't deserve that. 

"Tobin... You deserve so much more than she can give you....–"

You pause now choosing your words carefully. Because looking into her eyes you know the mask is gone. And she can see all of you even if you refuse to say any of it out loud. 

"You deserve more than I can give you"

At this you wipe the tears from your eyes quickly. And she looks down at the ground. 

You take a step back. Hoping the distance can clear the fog clouding your mind. 

But she takes a step toward you. And she puts her hand on your rib cage and the other on your hip. 

You gulp. The lump in your throat suffocating 

She looks into your eyes and you look down at the ground. Very aware of the ring on your left hand. 

"Tobin I can't"

She closes her eyes and steps back. She drops her hands from your skin. And as if all of her is crashing down on you again you decide the contact is something you can't live without. 

But you wait. 

"I love you. But I can't"

Tobin's eye brows knit together instantly. Then a wave of understanding crosses her honey eyes. 

You step toward her. But she doesn't meet your eyes. So you reach up and hold her cheek. Grazing your thumb over her scrape. 

Then all at once she puts her right hand on your neck and her left on your ribs and she backs you up until your back hits the wall. But she doesn't connect your lips. She stares into your eyes and you just can't take it anymore. 

So you bend your neck down slightly and breath in everything that was Tobin. You missed this. It was damn hard not too. Her nose brushes against yours and her head tilts until her breath is against your ear. Your breathe gets caught in your throat and both of your hands move to the bottom of her shirt. You slide it up so that her stomach becomes visible. And when she moves back so you can take it off of her there's something new in her eyes. And if you didn't know better you would call it love. Unchained and untied. Totally free love. 

She stands in front of you in her sports bra. Her hair loose around her shoulders. Her eyes not yet dark with lust. She looks at you and tilts her head slightly. As if asking permission. 

So you gently hold her wrists in yours and place her hands at the base of your shirt. She stares at you as she pulls it over your head. And only then does she kiss you. With her hands on either side of your stomach and her chest pressed into yours. And with your back up against the wall she kisses you gently. Your lips coming to life with each movement. As if remembering the melody to an old song. Every letter to every word passionately pressed into Tobin's lips. And when worlds aren't enough anymore you slip your tongue into her mouth and you feel the goosebumps raise on her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously to be continued. The voting is pretty much tied but this is prob gonna be a talex. Lmk what you think!!!!!!? Much love


	5. Carved in stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all like it. Back to Tobin's pov

Your body is on fire. You can feel your heart beating in the tips of your fingers. It had been too long. 

Too long since you got to hold her. Too long since you'd tasted her lips. Too long since you had tasted her skin. And it was easier that way. 

Easier for her to just be some memory. Or better yet just some dream. Because this Alex. The one standing in front of you, could change everything. Close was never close enough and warm was always burning. This Alex was YOUR Alex. No mask. No walls. Yours. 

 

You have her pushed up against the wall, her chest pressed into yours. Her stomach rapidly moving with her lungs. 

And she's still the most beautiful person you've ever seen. And it's not her abs or her arms and legs. And it's not her smile or her voice. It's in her eyes. In the blue that you always knew could destroy you. She always chose your fate. You looks into her eyes and you see more than just what she's done or what she chose. You see her. And you see what she wants to be and all of her deepest secrets. 

The ones she would never tell a living person. But she doesn't need to tell you. Because as you stare into her eyes you can count each one of them. And this was your favorite part. When you would kiss her lips and her jaw and her skin and slowely watch the secrets slip away. 

So you do it. Because you've caused her enough pain. So you kiss, slowely down her jaw and take your time on her neck. You can feel the pulse underneath your kiss. And as her torso moves rapidly under your hands her eyes flicker closed. And she presses her head into the wall and she just breathes. 

Then you kiss her lips again. And this time she's a little further gone. And she cares a little less that your holding all of her weight up against the wall. And you can feel all of this just in the way her lips conform to your every movement. 

The kiss slowely ends and you can feel yourself getting turned on. And she opens her eyes, and they're absolutely captivating. The blue is stronger, darker. And she doesn't look at you like prey. She looks at you like your saving her. Like maybe your her air too. 

She backs you up. Slowely. One hand on your shoulder and the other on your exposed torso. Still standing she raises your bra over your head. Her eyes immediately finding that scar that spans from your lower shoulder to just below your collar bone.

It's an old one. But it's story one of the darkest. And Alex knows. She knows the story behind every inch of your body. She traces it with her right hand. It's too old to hurt. But she still leans her head down and kisses it. Gently. Then she kisses your neck back up to your lips. 

"Your perfect." 

It wasn't a statement that requested an answer. 

You reach toward her and slowely remove her sports bra. Then you step impossibly closer to her. 

Your lips barely ghost hers. Sharing the same air. You place your hands on her hips and walk her back toward the bed. 

There's still no rush. 

You lower her down on the bed and hover over her. 

She places your hands on her waistband and you slowely lower her shorts off her legs. You continue to stare into the blue eyes. Sharing a moment that seems to freeze time. It's just you and her. 

She pulls at your shorts so you take the hint and pull them off. And this. Just your skin and hers. It's why. It's always been why. 

 

Her breathing is labored now. And yours is at least as heavy as hers. So you kiss her briefly and move to her chest. She maintains eye contact with you as you suck gently on her nipple. Her back arches into your Chest. 

"Your so beautiful Alex"

With those words you kiss down past her breasts and press gentle kisses on her abs. She reaches her hands down searching for yours. You intertwine both hands with hers and intercross your fingers. Alex's breathing picks up as you make it closer to her core. 

"Please Tobin"

It's a gentle plea. But just then she squeezes your hands and you feel a small pinch on your right hand. 

 

And once again everything shifts. Your lieing naked on top of her and suddenly you couldn't be more exposed. You stop kissing Alex's stomach, and you miss her skin right away. But the cold metal on your right hand feels like a gun shot wound. 

Your eyes widen. And you retract your body from hers and gently let go of her hand. 

 

God this is worse. It's worse than the punches and kicks and slaps. 

Having her wedding band pressed into your skin was a new kind of hell. And it stung a lot more than a slap ever could. 

You stand up. Quickly scrambling to get your cloths on. Alex's eyes shoot to her left hand and go wide. 

"Tobin.. Wait. Please don't leave"

Her eyes are begging. The words are ironic coming from her but you fight the urge to let out a chuckle. Because the mask is off. And you could never hurt her like this. 

And you do wait. You wait for more words to come out of her mouth. Despite knowing there are none that could fix the shit you had dragged eachother into. 

She's not yours. She's his. Your certain if you don't remind yourself you will forget. 

You put your sports bra on and your shorts. But you don't leave. You can't. Not with her laying on the bed totally and completely vulnerable. But you can't meet her eyes. They're not your eyes anymore. 

Tears are beginning to form in the rims of her eyes. And they shatter you. 

You hand her her sprorts bra and her shorts. And her eyes finally stop trying to find yours and put her cloths back on. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... Your married Alex"

"It wasn't your fault...... But it was never his either."

Her words confuse you. But you know she's trying. She's been trying for a while now. To explain why she chose him. Before you had cut her off. Wouldn't hear any of it.

Because explaining herself wouldn't make you feel any better. 

"This was all me"

Now you know where this is going. She wants you to blame her. But you couldn't do it back then and you sure as hell cant do it now. 

"Stop Alex. I won't blame you for doing what you needed to do."

That little speach you just gave Alex was what you told yourself every night. Alex did what she had to do. For her. And if she was happy than you could find someone else. For her. 

"I was so selfish Tobin. You dese–"

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALEX! I deserve? What? More! Because your fucking IT okay. I know what I deserve and I don't deserve more. I don't WANT more. I just want you."

Your nostrils flaring and eyes wide and red. You hated this part of you. The part that would yell. Would choose to fight. Only Alex could do this to you. And it doesn't take a genius to figure out why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.. Well I might be in self enduced depression now. I hope u guys like this. And sorry I know I'm a tease w the half smut lol. <3<3


	6. Down to a science

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of flashbacks.... And angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALEXS POV

Tears stream down your cheeks and onto your chest. 

She left. 

She actually left. 

Tobin never did that, she never left. And yet here you are sitting alone in a room you know will soon be invaded by mal. 

You scramble for your shirt to Cover over your sports bra. 

 

Before you even know what's happening something in you shifts. You stop feeling the pain. It's like there's some thing protecting you. As if this was all just a dream. 

But that guise is shattered in meer seconds. 

 

You head to the bathroom, attempting to rid yourself of the tear lines before mal comes back. You wash your face. Slightly sweaty from events your mind won't allow you to recal. 

But then all at once, as if you had just sustained a great injury, the adrenaline you had wears off. And the pain is unimaginable. 

As you scrub your face you feel a cold metal object rub against your cheek. And all you feel is dirty. 

You couldn't keep any of your promises, not for him or her. 

The ring on your finger is a desperate reminder of where you are currently situated. 

You stare at it for a moment. You pull it off your left hand and just look at it. 

To anyone else it was beautiful. A large diamond centered around smaller ones. 

But to you it was a cage. One that often required that you wear a mask to blend in to the other things inside the cage. So that the vultures wouldn't pick you apart. 

Kids. 

Church wedding. 

Perfect bride. 

Thousands of online articles described your life in one of these ways. 

And worse yet, Alex Carrassco. 

You hadn't quite accepted that fate however. And you thank god it was normal for female soccer players not to change their last names. 

But looking down now, at this ring, it's blaringly obvious that there's a lock on the cage door. 

 

But the funny thing your starting to realize is that the cage was there even before the ring. It was there always. Before serv, before you were THE Alex Morgan, even before Tobin. 

God Tobin. 

Just thinking about her could bring you to your knees in happiness and regret. 

She thought you had to choose him. 

And you think about this concept for a while. You HAD to choose him. 

But God was that a lie. 

You realize that this is what she had to tell herself. Because it must have seemed sudden for her. The way she was just yours and then you threw her out. 

But it was anything but sudden for you. 

\-----flashback-------

Just a few months was all it took for you to completely and utterly fall in love with her. She didn't even do it on purpose. She was just being herself. 

And it scared you so much. 

How she was able to tell you about her father, how she would come to you late at night. 

Because you could never do that. You were THE Alex Morgan. For fucks sake you still ARE. 

You have to remind yourself what your doing sometimes. How your choosing him because she doesn't deserve any of it. 

She deserves so much more than what you ever could've given her. And no she doesn't believe it. 

But your life with her would have been traumatic. 

A love that strong started tearing open the bars to the cage and freeing you. 

But your freedom would come at the cost. 

And it would ruin hers. 

That's why you never let yourself go that far. Servando had always able to close the bars further and throw away the key. He was safe. And he was good to you. But he could never be her. And what hurts the most is that when your with her, all the reasons not to be with her seem obsolete. 

She couldn't give you biological kids. And you wouldn't get the church wedding with a woman. And you wouldn't have a groom, you would have a bride. 

You remember these things as the ones that stopped you from going back to her, the night you left her.

And looking back they are probably the most bull shit excuses you let others convince you of. Because those weren't the things that mattered. Maybe to your parents they were. Or the media. But not to you. Not when she was holding you. 

But That night was it. 

You hadn't expected to leave her there. 

You had started dating servando the week before. And the week before you had told Tobin that it was over. 

And the week before she had tilted her head to the left and let out a small chuckle. 

You can remember it so clearly that it scares you sometimes. Like this was a moment that you were supposed to learn from. Instead it just scared the shit out of you. 

Tobin had smiled down at you a little. An easy going smile. Her words so crisp and void of uninterpreted that they sent chills down your spine. 

'Do whatever you have to do as long as you remember I'll be yours when you come back'

Her smile wasn't sad when she said it. It sure as hell didn't feel like a break up. It felt like a promise. One that you couldn't keep either. 

 

You had kissed her again. And pushed her down on the bed. And you had felt her lips push against yours for one of the last times. It never felt like it fit the story though. Leaving her felt like leaving your body at the mercy of the cage. 

 

And it continued for a few days like that. You making her your secret. Until finally you fucking realized who she was. What she was. 

You saw it one night. 

Laying next to her, her brow sweaty and her breathing still slowing down. Her bare chest unabashed facing up. 

Who and what she was, was perfect. You decided then that she deserved the world. That she deserved more than to be your secret. 

You kissed her lips gently and curled into her body. She seemed completely content laying there with you. So you gave it to her, even if you could only give for that night. 

 

In the morning there was training. Then lunch. Then she pinned you up against the hotel door in the hallway. And a single tear escaped your eye. And you remember cursing yourself for this part. 

She had broken apart from you. Her gaze confused only for a moment. Then her eye brows soften. And her eyes grow sad. Tears threaten her eyes but they don't spill. She just steps away. 

'Alex why are you crying...'

It wasn't even a real question. It's like she knew. 

'Tobin... I-I can't do this with you anymore'

You remember trailing off the last part. It hurt to much. 

She doesn't say anything after that. Her eyes just grow the saddest you've eyes seen them. 

'I'm sorry'

Her confusion grows again. And you knew this look on her. She was trying to figure out your motive. 

You move away before she can convince you to do otherwise. 

She doesn't grab for you or pull you closer so you start to walk down the hallway. Wiping the tears as you walk. You faintly hear her whisper, but you were never sure, until now, wether it was something you made up 

'Lex please...'

\-------end flashback----------

The ring falls from your hands and down to the floor of the bathroom. And as you stare up into the mirror the dramatic clinking of the ring isn't quite as symbolic as what just clicked in your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope u all like it. Sorry I got pretty tied up in school and soccer. But this is gonna end up being a longer story, as per requests. I love all of your comments and thanks so much for all the kudos!!!! Also any inspirational songs for next chapter are appreciated. I usually listen to one on repeat when writing a chapter lol


	7. I Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Amber Run I found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TOBINS POV

Your walking down the hotel hallway and you don't know what the fuck your doing anymore. 

The right thing?

Because that certainly doesn't seem to describe the events that just took place in Alex's room.

The smart thing?

Did Alex just say she LOVED you...

Loves?

 

Your feet seem to carry you even when your mind can't seem to function. But somehow you end up on the 6th floor, or more specifically the roof, exactly 10 minutes until curfew. You open the door and the air hits you, but it feels strange. And your all too aware of why. Its not because this air is different or because it has a little bit of a bite to it as the sun sets and the stars take over the sky. Its because you feel different. YOU specifically are now extremely aware of how fucked your REALLY are, being in love with Alex.

None of it was supposed to go this way. She wasn't supposed to choose him in the end, and she certainly wasn't supposed to decide that her marriage WASN'T the end. You weren't supposed to be a home wrecker. And she definitely wasn't supposed to love you after she married him.

You lay down. The concrete is cold on your recently over heated skin and the stars are as bright as ever.

You stare up at them with such intensity that anyone who didn't know you would think you were crazy. But this has always been your thing, and thinking back to how many times this has been your thing you smirk internally.

Talking to the stars was something you started when you were about 12. After your mom left. After the first night your dad hit you. After the first night you met Alex.

God Alex.

Looking up at these stars nothing tears you apart quite like how much her eyes resemble these very stars. The ones you confide in with your deepest fears and questions. Her beautiful ocean blue eyes weren't supposed to be your safety after she hurt you. They weren't supposed to be your home after she kicked you out. They weren't supposed to be your passion after she didn't want you.

But they were.

And it was breaking you, yes, but at the end of the day she's your person. In the back of your mind, and looking up at these stars right now, there's no one else like her, there never will be. She's not replaceable. She's not forgettable.

But she is married, and she loves you.

Tears cloud the stars and turn them into bright white streaks across your vision.

 

So you close your eyes and the tears slide down your cheeks, but what you find here in the blackness, is terribly blinding. You can feel her lips. And you can feel her skin.

But even more than that you can hear her breathing.

You quickly snap your eyes open and now your practically sobbing. Silently shaking on the concrete ground of the roof, underneath these stars that have never been able to answer your questions.

\------

When you wake up your back is stiff and your curled into a small ball.

It takes you a moment to realize your on the roof but once you do your panic. You left you cell in Alex's room, and you have no idea what time it is.

You scramble to your feet, the sun is still coming up so you let out a breathe in relief. You open the door back to the stairwell and you start the walk down to the second floor. The hallways are still quite so you think it must be early. You feel around in your pockets for a room key and find just one. To yours and Christen's room.

You pause only for a moment, in the middle of the hallway.

Christen.

Shame washes over you, just 24 hours earlier you LOVED her.

Was that all fake?

Are you even capable of...

You shake your head of those thoughts that are too much for right now. Too much emotion, that's what you were feeling. This wasn't really your thing, the crying and the apologies and regrets. She could do this to you. She could make you angry, lose your cool, it's why Alex both infuriates and breathes air into you. And while you could hate every minute of what she was choosing or what she had done, it didn't change that she was who you were supposed to end up with.

You pass Alex's door and unlock your own. A quick glance at the alarm clock next to christen press' sleeping body tells you it is only 5:20.

You quietly close the door and walk over to your suit case and change into you training gear for your practice that will start in about 3 hours. You curse your self for leaving your phone in Alex's room and grab your snapback and leave the room just as quickly as you came. Not wanting to wake christen for more than one reason.

 

For literally 2 hours you wander around the almost silent hotel, partake in the free breakfast, and meet a very nice dog named cooper according to his collar. And when you can't take it anymore you head to Alex's room. You knock softly at first, then once no one answers you ask a random person walking by what time It is. 7:45. They should be up. You knock a little louder until you hear shuffling coming from the room.

The door opens slowly, and it reveals a sleepy Alex. And your eyes wonder up from her legs to her face. Her eyes glazed over with sleep and a hoodie half hooded over her hair.

Before you can think of what to say she steps foreword and wraps her arms around your neck and nuzzles her face into your shoulder. Your a little in shock but quickly realize the people in the hallway are starting to stare a little so you back her up into her room and close the door.

Fuck Mal is her.

But she's sleeping.. for now.

"I'm so sorry"

Its barely a whisper but you heard her loud and clear. And it wouldn't be enough, it shouldn't. But its her. And it is.

"I'm sorry I left"

She shakes her head no, to signal she doesn't blame you.

"Thank you for coming back"

She kisses right below your ear and you immediately pull back from her embrace. Focus Tobin.

You stare at the floor for a moment. A good foot of space between both of you.

"Actually I left my phone here.."

You don't have to look up to know that your words hurt her. But you can't right now. Its too early for the regret to take over your mind, so you side step and walk past her. You grab your phone, keeping your eyes glued to the floor, and walk back toward the door. Only once you start to turn the door handle does she speak up.

"Tobin.."

Her voice sounds broken.. But there's something else, something almost determined. And its so Alex, so instinctual for her, that kind of fierce internal struggle that you often see on the field that it sends shivers down your spine.

"Yea Lex..."

You do your best to keep your voice neutral, but you know she can sense how much this is killing you.

"I'm gonna fix this okay. I'm gonna talk to servando and.... I am going to choose you."

Her words are final. Like what she just said holds some kind of solidity that questioning it would be insane.

You shut your eyes tight, a single tear rolls down your cheek and you cant bear to face her. So you continue to look at the door. And when the silence becomes to much you realize its your turn to speak.

"I believe you"

Its a little less than a whisper, and your almost positive the Mal heard this whole thing. And your not even completely sure that Alex heard you, but deep down you know she did, just like deep down you know that Alex Morgan is who you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. And despite this nagging sensation in your gut that's telling you that Alex might not even believe herself, you know that you believe her. After all, this love wasn't supposed to be easy or fast. And no, you weren't supposed to find love in her, but OF COURSE you were.

She was who you wanted to BE with. Not just when it was easy or temporary. You wanted Alex Morgan's pictures on your wall and you wanted little kids and peewee soccer games and maybe a dog and you most definitely wanted HER. But what you wanted most, what you craved most, was to free her from the cage that she created for herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Sorry I know it's been a while. Try not to hate me. As always this is NOT preweitten so any suggestions WILL effect the writing. Love all comments


	8. All Clouds Clear Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin starts to move on. Sorta. Kinda. And then...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda... all over the place. 
> 
> TOBINS POV

"Shit"

It was labored and needy. But it didn't really matter anymore. You couldn't bring yourself to care as her tongue traveled along your pulse point. 

Her hands traveled slow and fast all at once and it is taking every ounce of power you have left not to grab her wrists and pin her against the stairwell wall. 

"Shh... you have to be quiet Toby.."

A small moan escapes your lips as she whispers it in your ear. Her breath warm and almost intoxicatingly seductive. 

Then her hands travel up under your shirt and graze over your abs. Goosebumps erupt on every ounce of your body. And that's it. You can't anymore. So you grab her hips rougher than you'd like to admit and spin the two of you around so that her back is pressed into the wall, almost as hard as her chest is pressed into yours. 

She lets out a small moan and you can't help but move your hand down to the hem of her shorts. You slowely push your hand under the fabric of her shorts and under her underwear. She gasps loudly as your finger finds it's way through the the wetness of Alex's panties. 

Her forehead falls to your shoulder as you practically hold all of her weight. As you slowely, tauntingly, hold your finger just above her clit she lets out a little plee, and it's not much. Just barely above a whisper, but it's exactly what you wanted. What you NEEDED, and she knows it. 

So she gently whispers on your still clothed shoulder. 

"Please....m-make me feel good Tobin-"

And if there was anything else she was going to say it didn't matter. She was cut off as you slip your finger inside of her. Then you circle your thumb around her clit, and just when you think she's about to scream your name-

"Fuck serv.."

\-------------------------------------

Your eyes shoot open and you think your going to be sick. 

You run to your bathroom as quickly as possible still in just a sports bra and Nike shorts. And right on time your body rejects everything it can and the contents of your stomach empty out into the toilet. 

 

39 days. 

It had been 39 days since she had promised. Since you had believed. 

39 days and you hadn't slept for a whole night in any one of them. You scold yourself for being so easily destroyed by a pretty girl. 

You almost chuckle at yourself for referring to her as just a pretty girl. 

But the gross, terrifying, shaming reality of it all, was that it was starting to hurt. Loving her was starting to hurt. 

Referring to Alex Morgan as just a pretty girl helped. It had too. Because 39 days was all it had taken for her to completely and utterly forget you. 

\--------  
**flashback**  
Day 1

As you allow her words to sink in you feel something you hadn't truly felt in a long time, hope. 

~"I'm gonna fix this okay. I'm gonna talk to servando and.... I am going to choose you."~

Camp ended and much to your surprise the feeling of hope, of future, didn't fade. 

You and Alex had unspoken rules. 

There wasn't much communication. Respectful. That's what you told yourself. You needed to be respectful of him and their marriage coming to an end.   
But that sure as hell didn't stop you from staring. And often her staring back. And even more often than that, dreaming about her. 

But at the end of camp she went back to Orlando. And you, of course went back to Portland. 

Day 18

A short wnt camp for a couple of matches came before the NWSL playoffs. 

You were excited. To see her, see her eyes, hear her voice. 

You didn't expect him to be there. 

And you didn't expect for them to room together on some separate floor of the hotel. For her beautiful star blue eyes to never ONCE meet yours. For your heart to break every time she laughed at one of his jokes.

Day 27

Camp would end and nwsl training would start. And honestly none of it mattered. None of it really fucking mattered to you anymore. You didn't honestly know when the day would end and the next would start. There was no sun, no moon, and there were certainly no stars. 

On Sunday you forgot to go to church. Not because you really forgot, but mostly because you didn't feel like having a man preach to you about gods plan for everyone. 

When you were completely certain that life was really just a long chain of chance and sometimes people think it's funny to chain you to a wall. 

You know that Alex thought it was funny. 

Day 35

You text her. 

And yes you were drunk and no you weren't thinking. But would you have cared even if you were sober?

Alex: did u ever even love me?

And worse yet underneath it:

Received

And even worse a few seconds later:

Read 

 

No response. You would get no response for 4 nights until you literally couldn't stomach the pain anymore. 

**end flashback**

 

After that you just stop counting. 

It was like your life had been divided into two times, before and after Alex. You hadn't spoken to her in... well really you didn't know how long.

But you were starting to forget things about her. And every day it got a little easier. A little more sleep at night and a little less dreams. 

 

You were home in your apartment in Portland. Alone. And the loneliness was less now. It didn't cage you in anymore. Your need to be around Alex was less and less with each day. 

And it wasn't like things were tangible. It wasn't like one day you could hear her name and not feel anything. 

It was gradual. In a way that you could watch her favorite movie and not think about her the whole time. Or in a way that you could grab her mug out of your cabinet and have it be just a random mug. 

You would go out now. With Lindsey and Emily and Allie. 

And you didn't go out to get drunk and forget. You went out to have fun. 

 

Months passed.

And on one particularly mellow Saturday night Allie calls you. 

She says that your coming to this new bar with her and Lindsey, and before you can even accept she hung up. 

You let out a small laugh and plug in your phone. 

The hour of free time you have quickly passes as you slip on ripped jeans and a black tee. And of course your favorite SnapBack. 

And before you can even realize what's happening Allie is practically ripping down your door and dragging you out of the apartment. All you can do is laugh at her antics as you are shoved into the back seat with Lindsey. 

It turns out that allie's 'new bar' was really more of a night club. 

And as it turns out this is exactly what you needed. Because as Allie drags you by the wrist to the bar, you can't help but become of aware of how aware you really are. A beautiful dirty blond with tan skin and toned muscles catches your eye on the dance floor. But just as quickly as she enters your mind you loose sight of her as your feet continue to be dragged toward the bar. 

3 shots. Straight vodka. Discusting, yes. Allies favorite, another yes. 

Lindsey and Allie Soon disappear from your view and in pops the girl. 

She was sexy in a whole other way. And it wasnt just the vodka. The long sun kissed hair was cascading around her shoulders in a way that made you wonder what it would look like with your fingers tangled up in it. 

 

And her body- damn. 

She looks over at you, which might have been a coincidence if you hadn't been staring at her for so long. 

A cocky smirk takes over her face as she begins to walk toward you. 

'Well this is going to be interesting'

"Hi... I couldn't help but notice you were staring"

You raise an eye brow. She's forward. 

"Yea sorry about that, I forgot my camera back in my apartment"

She giggles in this kinda sexy high pitched contrast to her not so high normal voice. You smirk and hold out your hand. 

"I'm Tobin"

"Well Tobin, if you weren't so cute that pickup line might have been kinda creepy"

Now it's your turn to laugh. And when you do her eyes seem to light up. Beautiful blue. 

And you freeze at this for only a moment. 

"Is that why your not gonna tell me your name"

She looks you up and down once before answering and you let out a small chuckle. The vodka clearly starting to have its desired effects. 

"Rachel"

"Can I buy you a drink?"

 

"Actually I'd rather just dance"

You smirk at her. And she leaves her hand open for you to take. And normally no you wouldn't dance, let alone with some stranger you just met, but what you normally would do doesn't really concern you right now. 

The beat was fast but if your being honest you can't really hear it. Because Rachel is currently holding your hands on her hips, and her lips are right next to your ear and it's getting kinda hard to focus. 

And yes you should probably find Allie and Lindsey. But Rachel's ass was grinding into your hips and making you think of things your not really proud of. 

"Do you wanna get out of here?"

It was less of a question and more of her taking pity on the puddle of a women she was making you. 

So wordlessly you shake your head yes and she leads you outside. 

You call an uber. And before you even lock your phone her hands are around your neck and she's kissing you. Not in a gentle way. But exactly in the way you need. 

Your hands grab at her hips and pull her into you as you roll them up against her and you make out a small gasp. 

A honk startled you and you remind yourself not to tip this guy. 

But of course you end up tipping him because when the car pulls up to your apartment and Rachel gently bites down on your earlobe you practically throw your wallet at the man. 

 

There's only a few stairs leading up to the door but when you take into consideration your focus level it was practically Mount Everest. 

Fumbling for your key dramatically was a given. Dropping it when Rachel gently dragged her tongue down your neck was a little more embarrassing. 

But finally you manage and the door to your apartment swings open. And within seconds your hands are gripping the tight jean shorts around her ass and her legs wrap around your hips as you push her up against the door. 

You attack her neck first. And when you don't get quite the reaction you wanted your hand travels under her white top and just over her bra. 

Then you get it. A hitch in her breathing that you'll admit has you more wet than normal. But than again the dancing did get you kind of worked up. 

But along with the hitch comes something you weren't quite expecting. 

It sounded kind of loud and obnoxiously repetitive. And Rachel looks quite as confused as you do. So you lower her down and only then do you realize someone is knocking on your door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I made Alex evil. And also.... who is at the door?! I really don't know. Lmk what u think


	9. Lo siento

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOT A REAL CHAPTER

Okay. So I feel like an ass for writing this dumb authors note as a whole chapter. But I felt bad bc I was supposed to update this weekend and I recently had a revelation. 

This isn't a joke, last night I just KNEW who was knocking on the door. This is SUCH A BETTER CHAPTER THAN ORIGINALLY I HAD WRITTEN. And of course it came to me when I was almost completely done with the next chapter. So I am now rewriting and editing. It will Be up promptly on Wednesday before 10. Again I am so sorry. But now I'm a lot happier with where this is going. 

Much love


	10. Timeline Lifeline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by one direction(because I'm a loser)- half a heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gotta get worse before it gets better

Someone once told you that time is the most precious thing you can have. 

But you never believed it. 

Time is only a relative human creation. Some manipulative order in this world that is filled with other relative things like love or luck. 

Time is precious only because man kind made it so. Always trying to reverse it or fast forward through it. As if it was just some tv episode. 

You always did your best to remember this, the bigger picture. People used to always ask you how you could be so calm in times of seeming crisis or confusion. Some people speculated that you simply didn't care. Others that you were just a 'chill person'. 

The one thing you will give time credit for, is healing. Not forgetting, just lessening the wound until all that's left is a scar. 

\-----------------

 

The knocking on the door continues for a few more seconds after you put Rachel down. 

She looks relatively displeased as you rack you brain for who the hell could be knocking on your door at 11 at night. 

Finally the knocking stops. 

Then Rachel speaks up in a hushed voice. 

"Shouldn't you open the door or something..."

"Ha right.."

Not really sure who is on the other side you straighten out your shirt and grab your SnapBack from the table next to you and turn to Rachel, not really sure how to ask her. 

"Umm... w-would you mind standing in the kitchen..."

She smirks at your nervousness and just turns around and walks into the kitchen. Which is not necessarily a hiding place. Just out of eyesight from the door. Which is all you need. Right?

 

Realizing it's been almost a minute it's quite possible the person has already left. But you slowely open the door anyway. 

It's dark out, but there's a light just to the left of your door illuminating the doorstep into your apartment. 

Your eyes shoot up and are immediately met with a hard brown pair. These eyes are familiar. 

But not the kind you were ever really hoping to look into again. 

And as they stare at you it becomes blatantly obvious the voice that goes with them isn't prepared to speak. The eyes move slowly as if reacting in slow motion. 

And they freeze you just for a moment. Something extremely painful in the eyes but you can't quite pinpoint it. It's sorrow. This is obvious. 

What's less obvious is the fragility of them. They are glazed over and slow eyes but they're unwavering. Looking, searching for some sort of answer. 

 

He stands on your doorstep a few feet away. Only swaying until his hand grabs the railing to his right. But his eyes never leave yours. And something in you is telling you to run. Telling you that no amount of time would be enough to get away from the eyes that stare up at you. Because there's something familiar in them. But you aren't quite sure what it is. 

"Servando.. what are you doing here?"

You surprise yourself with the confidence in your voice. His only response is a small smirk/smile that isn't quite friendly but not quite dangerous. 

"Tobin Heath.-"

There's a small pause where he seems to be trying to compose himself.   
"-we need to have a talk"

So many Scenarios cross your mind. Talking. What the hell would you talk to servando carrasco about. 

Alex..

"Your drunk"

He takes a step forward and it makes you want to back up but you don't. 

"Well the flight was hell. Almost seven hours. The least you can do is let me in."

You remember Rachel. 

"Servando... are you staying somewhere? Let me give you a ride back and we can talk about whatever you want...-"

You hesitate on this last part

"- is. Is Alex here with you"

His eyes narrow slightly. So slightly that if you hadn't been staring into his eyes you wouldn't have noticed. 

Something about this exact change sends goosebumps down your arms. And the overwhelming need to run is almost too much. 

Servando speaks next. 

He chuckles almost bitterly to himself. 

"Well wouldn't you like to know."

You wince a little. Because he knows. 

"Actually she's not. Sorry to disappoint. And actually I don't have a hotel room. But that's not the point. We need to talk. Now."

Your impressed by his level of speech and lack there of in physical composure. 

Your mind scrambles. Shit. Okay. 

"Actually you can't come in. We can talk out here."

Your not sure if he even hears what you said. Because just then he takes another step toward you and now his eyes are cold and dark. Barely a foot between you. 

"Actually Heath, I'm coming inside. Have some manners. At least respect me if you can't respect my marriage."

And before his words can even hurt you he's stepping up into the door frame and past it. Your quick to follow him in. 

You subtly turn your eyes toward the kitchen. 

Empty. 

You sigh in relief almost audibly. 

Servando has moved past you anyway and seated himself on your couch. 

Staring up at you expectantly you guess he wants you to sit. So you do. 

"Look Tobin. I'm not here to be a jerk. I know about you and Alex... and I. I know...."

His words come slower now. Like he's rehearsed this to himself and wants to get it right. You look down at the ground. Unable to meet his eyes. 

"I know she loves you"

At this you snap your head up. You look him straight in the eye. He looks like he's facing a great internal struggle. 

"Serv.. no she doesn't."

He almost laughs. But he catches himself. 

"I'm in love with Alex. I always have been and I always will be. And as sure as I am of that, I am sure that she is in love with you. You don't have to spare my feeling Tobin. She told me everything."

Alex loves you. She- she still loves you....

You look up at him. Now sure of only one thing. 

"You know I knew. I knew a few months ago she wanted the divorce. It was written on her face that day she came home from camp-"

His eyes aren't on yours anymore. They stare off. Almost up at the ceiling. Like this part wasn't really meant for you to hear. 

"- she was so bright- and in love. And I knew the second she saw me that it wasn't with me anymore. She tried a few times. To tell me. But I wouldn't listen. I shut her out. Wouldn't be alone with her long enough for her to say anything. It hurt too much, knowing she wants someone else....-"

His stare grounds back to earth and into your eyes again. His eyes are deadly serious and his words are Solemn, like he's passing something onto you. 

"- I didn't come here to tell you to back off. She loves you. Just... do you love her?"

And it's like someone is asking you what your favorite color is. Or why you love soccer. And it's like someone is giving you the game winning cross with all the time in the world and all you have to do is take the shot. 

But the stakes are so much greater. 

 

"I love her."

And it's simple. And you could elaborate. But you spare him. You spare him the thing you share with Alex that quite simply no one else can have. 

He almost smiles. Almost. And with that he stands. And you stand. And what he says next is tender and breakable and it sounds kind of like a plea. 

"Take care of her.."

And you don't hesitate, even for a second. 

"Always."

And you say it like a promise. 

 

He must believe you. Because he starts to walk toward the door. He turns around one last time. A sad smile spreading over his lips. 

"Don't hurt her. Hurting me has already hurt her enough."

Something in your stomach is turning. Servando is the good guy here. Fuck. 

"I wo-"

Your cut off. Quite abruptly. And it's as if all the bullshit that people have shoved down your throat about TIME is suddenly extremely relevant. 

A loud crashing noise comes from just down the hall. 

And you think you can faintly hear the word 'shit' being whispered by a familiar voice. 

And all the sudden everything changed. 

Servando's eyebrows raise. And his shoulders square. And at first he looks confused. Then in slow motion you watch his dark brown eyes shift to yours. And you know exactly what your face reads. And so does he. 

 

He walks past you. Takes a right and walks down the hallway. 

And no. You can't see what he is seeing. But you imagine it looks a lot like you fucking some other girl while Alex is ending her marriage FOR YOU. 

So you stand there. Frozen, as if huge weights are on your feet. Staring at the floor. 

Wondering how the fuck you became the bad guy. 

 

You stare down the hallway. And you watch as time goes much slower than normal. It's almost ironic, you think. How a few seconds could change many years to come. Or how servando's fists clenching at his sides could send lighting fast shivers down your back. Or how your mind has screamed at your legs to run at least 50 times in the last second. Or how his stone cold brown eyes seem to turn black almost instantly as they look into yours. 

His strides are fast. But he doesn't run. But his words are much more complex. They're protective, that's probably the most alarming. But they're also angry and sad and shaming and everything you are at yourself right now. 

"I almost wish I wasn't going to enjoy this so much."

The second he's done speaking his right arm swings up and hits you square in your left eye. 

As you stumble back, your back hits the wall. And just as your mind registers this his fist connects with your abdomen. Then the right side of your jaw. 

And then time starts to slow down. Another hit to your gut. This one different. The pain is less. Time is slow. And you register another blow against your face. But your vision is starting to turn black. And you feel your body crumpling to the ground. 

The last thing you remember is yelling, and a loud slamming noise. 

And eventually time takes mercy on the pitiful person you are and just stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... so this story isn't gonna please everyone. And this was always hard for me to accept but I hope some of you like it. This chapter got chopped in 2 so the next will be out quickly! Love all your comments and suggestions!! My favorite ones always start with 'I usually don't comment...' lol <3


	11. Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone still remember this story?

You can hear her voice before you've even opened your eyes. 

It's low and gravelly. And it makes something in your gut turn, just a little, at the other emotions you can sense. 

You blink once. 

The bright lights blind you as you slowely start to open your eyes further. A white room. There's beeping and hushed voices-

But none of it matters. 

Not the pain in your ribs or the deep ache on you left eye or the nagging throb. 

None of it

Her voice jolts your eyes open the second your mind catches up to your ears. 

It's her. 

You try to sit up, your wrists giving out the minute you apply pressure to them. 

An involuntary groan leaves your mouth and you hear your favorite voice stop talking. 

And then before you know it- before you could possibly prepare yourself- Alex's voice is soothing in your left ear and her hands warm against your forearm. 

"Hey hey hey shhh... Tobin I'm right here okay? Don't try to get up just rest. I'm here"

You feel her breathing leave your skin but the panic doesn't settle back in. 

She's here. 

 

You don't try to get up, But you do open your eyes all the way. You lift your hand out into the space between Alex's sitting figure and your own. 

Her eyes leave yours and soon seeing your hand she immediately reaches out and holds it. 

And god if you didn't still get a shock just from her contact. 

But this isn't how your story was supposed to go. Too many things have gone wrong. Too many people have gotten hurt. 

So you pull her in closer with all the muscle strength you could muster and you speak to her softly. 

"I'm so sorry Alex."

Her eyes leave yours for a moment, enough to confirm your suspicions of her doubts and insecurities. 

"It wasn't just your fault"

You start to protest when suddenly you feel a deep pain in your abdomen. 

\----Alex's pov-----

"It wasn't just your fault"

You know it's not just hers. 

Servando had called you, that night actually, and it still sends shivers down your arms thinking of how smug his voice was. 

He told you about how he flew to Portland, how he walked in on Tobin sleeping with another girl, about how he had 'taken care of it'. 

At that you had dropped the phone. 

Your gut told you that something was wrong. And you booked the next flight to Portland. You practically end up begging a taxi driver to speed, all the while calling her. And it almost makes you chuckle, the thought of Tobin Heath actually answering her cell phone, but it doesn't. Because you know that something is very, very wrong. 

 

Tobins apartment isn't that far from the airport, something she had no doubt chosen for traveling reasons. 

But by the time you get there, between the 8 hour flight and the 30 minute drive, she's simply gone. 

Her door alarmingly unlocked, not a single person in her apartment. 

Then, as if your panic wasn't already deleterious enough, you can feel your head start to spin. You call Lindsey and Allie, and as much as it just about killed you, you called christen. 

No one knew a thing. 

And just when your about to give up you walk into tobins room and find her first national team jersey- signed and hung up on her wall- laying amount shattered pieces of glass on the floor. 

By now your mind is racing a thousand miles a minute and your breathing is starting to pick up. 

You find that your legs are heavier and you feel the tears build up behind your eye lids. 

You slide down tobins wall onto the floor. 

Have you really lost her? Is she hurt? 

And then a worse thought. 

What is sevando really capable of?

You stop your mind there. Because it's all too much. You furiously wipe your tears and call an uber. 

 

There's only one hospital near tobins house. And it's only about 15 miles away. 

You walk up to the receptionist, hoping both that she is and isn't here, and ask for Tobin Heath. 

 

The room number is 329 and it's small. 

There's one window but the blinds are closed and the monitor beep is the only thing audible. There are no nurses or doctors. 

But there is a woman. 

And her dirty blonde hair hangs over her shoulder and her tanned arms are in a skimpy top that really isn't that appropriate for a hospital. 

And in that moment you know exactly who she is. 

Tobins seemingly ok figure just next to her. 

You can't see her face from where your sitting but she appears to just be sitting there. 

You clear your throat. A jealous competitive side of you coming out that your really not proud of. 

She turns around and stands. 

A small smile gracing her face, making it clear she has no idea who you are. 

"Are you here for Tobin?"

There's something about her smile that gets to you. 

But you do your best to hold in the eye role. 

"Yes actually. And you are?"

"Oh.. well.. I just met her actually. Rachel."

She holds her hand out for you. And you shake it, mostly just because your relieved Tobin hadn't been in a relationship these last months. 

"Alex. I assume your the girl Tobin fucked last night"

Her eyes grow wide and she seems to stutter for a moment. No words really coming out of her mouth. 

But then she studies your face and you swear you see a small smirk form in the left corner of her mouth. 

"Well Alex, trust me, it wasn't exactly the night I had planned for her either." 

And just like that she leans down and picks up her things and starts to walk out. 

Her eyes go from cocky to a bit sad and forlorn in just a second. 

"Stay with her.. she shouldn't be alone after what that asshole did to her last night."

And before your mind clicks in the information she's gone. And out of the corner of your eye you see tobins weak body struggling to lift herself. 

"Hey hey hey shhhhh... Tobin it's okay I'm here. Don't try to get up just rest okay? I'm here."

And your words seem to calm her half conscious enough so that her body rests back into the pillows. 

And it is only then you really take her in. 

And it brings tears to your eyes

 

It is clear a wrap had been placed around her mid section. Her left eye completely closed and a blue rim beginning to for around it. 

There are various bruises on her arms surrounding the IVs and the monitor on her right side beeps sporadically. 

There's a pain. 

You caused this. 

 

She was better off with Christen. 

 

It physically knocks you back a bit. Your hands shake a little. 

This perfect human. That one person you were meant for. And all you could do was break her. 

You see her hand reach out through your blurry eyes and you grab it as gently as you can. 

She draws you closer. 

"I'm so sorry Alex. "

Tears threaten your eyes. 

"It want just your fault."

You watch as her mouth opens to what you know will be a protest. Because this amazing woman in front of you isn't capable of putting blame on anyone except for herself. 

 

But the words don't come out. They're frozen. Just like time. 

As her beautiful eyes leave yours, her pupils dilate, and her hands slight grip on your hand becomes even weaker. 

You stare in horror as the monitors beeping becomes louder and more frequent as her heart beat comes faster. 

Her other hand covers her stomach as she leaned forward involuntary and throws up blood. 

Before you can even release her hand there are people all around you. 

 

Yelling orders and moving things. Moving YOU away from her. 

You can't breathe. 

But at the same time you can scream. 

But your voice comes out as a whisper. A plea.

"Tobin..."

It's all you can do. It's all you have. Your legs carry you after her even as she's wheeled down the hallway past a red line of tape. 

But you couldn't care less. 

The legs carry you further than in the back of your mind you think your allowed. 

They carry you until finally someone grabs you, And slowly walks you back. 

You think it's a nurse. But your eyes don't really leave Tobin until she's disappeared into another room. 

You struggle against the grip. 

You struggle and struggle until you just can't. 

 

And the next thing you know your sitting in the waiting room of a hospital in Portland, scared out of your mind that you've lost her. That maybe this was it. 

The last time you would ever get to hold her hand. 

The last time you would hear her voice. 

The last time you could look into a pair of eyes and know with absolute certainty that your future involved one simple thing. 

Her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so if u don't follow a few of my other fics, you don't know what kind of hell the last few months have been. Basically my family is really religious and they found out that I'm gay. So my phone has been completely limited and such. I mean I'm not looking for pity but that's my legitimate excuse. I hope some of you remember/ still like this fic. It got a bit more violent than I originally planned. But lmk what you think or if I should abandon this fic


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